Finding the joy in parenthood again...

Not many people know this but I finally feel like I can share this with most of you now. Postpartum depression! From the get go I felt like I had a hard time connecting with her. I felt nothing for her. I ended up in the hospital exactly a week after I delivered her and at first I just thought I couldn't feel anything because of all the pain I was in from by blood pressure and I was trying to deal with my health as well as take care of a newborn. Avery turned out to be a very difficult baby and cried every night until midnight. There were many nights when I just put her down because I really wanted to throw her out the window. I would never have acted on those feelings so the only other options was to just put her down and walk away. I started hating her. That is not an easy thing to say but I really hated her. Along with hating her I felt the guilt and confusion that came along with it... I was failing her. I am her mom, how can I possibly hate her. I knew there was something wrong with me but I wasn't brave enough and I felt so ashamed that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I took a trip to see Tori in August and she knows me well enough to just say it...."do you think you might have..." she didn't even have to finish the sentence before I said YES I do think I have postpartum depression. She gave me the courage to talk to the doctor about it and I'm so thankful she did. I'm not sure I would have ever made an appointment for just that but I did have a follow up the next week for my heart issues and while I was there I had a complete meltdown in the doctors office. I told her there was something wrong with me and I hated my child. I didn't feel that way about Gavin, I still adored him. She was very understanding which was very comforting. I was trying to hard to be strong. I mean, my husband was in Iraq, I was living with my parents, I'd almost had a heart attack or stroke and I have a baby with colic. I wanted to be strong. I was so ashamed that I was failing. She put me on an antidepressant and my whole life changed within weeks. My kids are my whole life and seeing them happy means everything to me!


Gavin is finally starting to talk. It's made life a little easier being able to understand what he wants or thinks he needs. His new favorite thing is "I not want to" and "don't do that Mima" aka the dog Mia. I'm still not getting anywhere with potty training. It has been by far the most challenging part of parenting at this point. I'm at complete lost of what to do. He has a complete meltdown every time I try to make him go and seems to be content having a dirty diaper. And this is where I'm told "I not want to" most of the time. I go back and forth on what to do. He'll be 3 next week, which completely blows my mind! I don't know if I should start punishing him or just back off until he's ready. I really need him to get it because most of the daycares/preschool programs require that they be potty trained in the 3 year old class. Oh well. Hopefully he won't be in diapers by the time he starts Kindergarten. I'm a little sad about his up coming birthday. I can not believe he is going to be THREE! How did that happen?!?! He loves to color and paint and he started to memorize the books we read and can pretty much tell me all about whatever book we are reading.



Avery. That girl is something else. She has no happy medium. It's either really happy or really pissed off. She has gotten alot better about wanting to be held all day. Which has also made my life a lot easier. I'm not goin lie...she made me a little crazy our first 6 weeks back. She is crawling, pulling up and walking around the furniture. Oh and she is such a little piggy. My nickname for her is tubby or miss piggy. If there is food anywhere she will hunt it down!! And she will not give up until she gets her hands on some. She is very ticklish and I can't resist tickling her just to get a big belly laugh out of her.

Shisa, the half dog half lion

The first thing I noticed when I got here were these half dog half lion statues that are EVERYWHERE. Seriously, you do not walk in a buliding without passing these dogs on your way in. They come in all shapes and sizes and we just purchased our first pair.

They are a tranitional Okinawa decoration that looks like a cross between a dog and a lion. People put shisa's on their rooftops or by the front door. Some are making silly faces and some are just scary. The story is that they are for protection from evil. The one on the left has a closed mouth to keep good spirits in and the one on the right has an open mouth to ward off evil spirits. The people of Okinawa take their good luck charms very seriously and are BIG believers in ghost and spirits. Considering the history of this island, there are said to be lots of lost souls wandering around. Kinda creepy. Maybe our new Shisa's will do their job and keep them away :)

MonaKids Jungle

We've had a little cold snap the past few days. So after a week of being couped up in the house we decided to take Gavin to one of the indoor places I've heard so much about. Monakids is an indoor playground complete with rollersides, ball bits and plenty of tunnels to climb through. It was completely empty. Good news was that Gavin got to run wild but mommy and daddy had to climb, jump and swing with him. Not that I don't' enjoy these things but my hands and knees were screaming when we left. The rollerside has got to be the best part. It reminds me of something you'd see in a big factory assembly line. I had to drag Gavin through the tunnels to get to it the first time. But one trip down and we were both hooked! Even Matt enjoyed it although I bet he'd never admit it.

Hidari, Migi and Massugu

The excitement of the earthquake and Tsunami has passed and I hope to never experience either ever again! Waiting on a Tsunami is a lot like sitting a waiting on a hurricane to slam your house. The warning system on base SUCKS! I found out we were under a warning from a friend on Facebook. I thought that was a little bit ridiculous but I'm thankful it turned out to be nothing and everyone is safe :)

We actually got out of the house this weekend. Our sponsor Natalie is leaving in a few weeks and they gave her a going away party at the Orange Dinner. It was also a good bye party for the Japanese controller that work with Matt. They are taking the air space to Naha and Matt will pretty much be useless here. Anyway, we rented out the restaurant, which was more like a tiny room with a bar. There are about 60 Japanese controllers (JCAP) and maybe 20 military. So it was a very tight fit. For some reason they make the JCAP do funny little dances and sing. It pretty entertaining because their English is still a little broken and they are reserved people by nature so they are a little out of their element. Natalie was invited to be part of a traditional Japanese dance as a gift to her from the JCAP. And somehow Matt ended up on the dance floor when they started singing "Go Johny GO". It has been very hot here lately and with that many people in a small space a lot of us just mingled outside. We found out this wasn't such a good idea when the Japanese police showed up and told us we were being to loud. YIKES!

People take taxi's everywhere here because they have no tolerance for drinking and driving. One drink and your DONE! We drove there because Matt was working the next day and wasn't planning on drinking but he is Matt... They have a service here called Dico. They come and pick you up and bring someone else to drive your car home and another car that follows him to take him back to ....where ever they go. Somehow having a whole caravan take you home is cheaper then taking a taxi and you have your car home so you don't have to go get it the next day. Taxi rides are usually a little crazy as they are in most places. Our driver was trying to teach us how to say left (Hidari), right(Migi) and straight (Massugu) and Matt kept jacking it up. Luckily we had a nice one and he laughed while he had to repeat himself 50 times! Maybe I'll just start taking more taxi's and get some free Japanese lessons. Fun was had by all and I loved our babysitter!

EARTHQUAKE

Did you know that Japan accounts for 20% of the worlds major earthquakes? Well, I experienced one first hand this morning. I was sleeping soundly in my bed when I was woken up by a lovely 7.0 earthquake. I'm not sure what I thought at first but once I figured out what was going on I thought it was kind of cool and then it just kept going and going and it started to freak me out a little. It wasn't a hard shake like you would expect or see in the movies. It was more like a wave. Like someone was rocking me. I'm not sure if it was because I was half asleep but I swear it looked like the walls were moving. And you could hear it. I can't explain what is sounded like but you could hear it.



I knew it was big but I didn't realize how big until I got up and Googled it. 7.0...really? That's the same as the one that just hit Haiti. There were sirens going off outside and of course we don't have a local news channels that's in English! I found out that it was for the Tsunami warning and they were evacuating the coastline. They later lifted the warning and said that it wasn't expected to be more than a few feet.



When we lived in our apartment I always thought if we had a Tsunami we'd be S.O.L. We lived across the street from the water then and Matt always told me we'd be fine. Not much on the coast actually sits on the ground. It's just like at the beach were the houses are lifted and you park under them. We also have a seawall surrounding the island for that exact reason. I've always thought it very ugly and takes away from the beauty of the island but very necessary.



Since the earthquake in Haiti I've found myself thinking, that could be us! I mean here we are on this little island with no way out other than a plane. I'm very thankful there were no injuries and everyone is safe!!

Trying to get back to normal.

We've settled in and amazingly Matt, Gavin and myself didn't have a problem with jet lag. Avery not so much. It's taken her about 3 weeks to adjust to the 15 hour time difference and I think, I THINK she is finally sleeping through the night. For those of you moms that had babies that slept all night at 6 weeks.... I hate you! Both the kids were pretty spoiled by everyone, including me, while we were in the States so life in the Hobbie house has been very different and difficult for everyone. Avery thinks that you must be holding her or be on the floor next to her at all times. Gavin is still being a rebel as far as potty training is concerned but we are getting somewhere with his eating habits. He's still very picky but we've had a few night of sitting at the table for up to 45 minutes until he take a few bites. He is a stubburn child but he gets it honestly so when it comes down to a battle of will's ....Matt usually comes out on top and I usually just cave.

I'm borad, very borad! I've applied for a few jobs and I'm hoping something will come up soon! I love my kids but staying home all day everyday is just not for me. We play outside with the kids on our street but I gotta say, Gavin is kind of a loner. He usually just runs off and does his own thing. So, we got him a puppy to try and keep him entertained until I can get him in day care. So far it working. I think the dog might forget how to walk because Gavin will not put her down. She is an ugly little Oki mix and is the sweetest thing. She is doing great with potty training and puts up with Gavin really well. We named her Mia although Gavin just calls her "my puppy". I thought I was going to make it a rule that she not go upstairs but that didn't last long. Gavin is very sneaky and will grab her when I have my back turned and take her to his room.

We went to the Zoo a few weekends ago and that was very lame. My goal is to go do something new once a month. Since the Zoo was a bust maybe I'll have something fun to post soon. Until then, Sayonara!

We're back...

I've had a few people tell me that I need to start blogging again. Frankly the idea of reliving our trip back is not appealling at all. It was a bittersweet good-bye. I realized more that ever that I truely do have great friends and family. I'm not sure I would have made it through this deployment here, alone. I've never minded being away from everyone but it's always kinda bugged me that Gavin can't grow up around our families. I'm gald that he got the chance to spend so much time with everyone. He had a blast this summer and fall with Aaron, Makenzie and Cooper. So saying good-bye was sad because we don't plan on making the trip back until it's time to leave for good. It was almost as if were in a holding pattern for the past 9 months and we are excited to get back to our lives.

For those of you who haven't heard the details of our trip back, here it is... Avery did WONDERFUL and Gavin did OK. Until we landed in Okinawa... This is when both kids decided they were sick of flying and had complete meltdowns! Both kids SCREAMED through the line for customs, while we waited on luggage with no strollers so at this point I'm doing my best to hold both screaming kids while Matt is trying to get our luggage. Finally, he decided that he would just go get the car and leaves me to get the luggage with both screaming kids. I'm still not sure why he thought that was a good idea... Anyway, his car was SUPPOSED to be across the street in his work parking lot. Well, it wasn't. While Matt goes to get the car from our house, I'm still stuck in the baggage area because Matt left with my ID and I can't leave that room without it. GREAT! Finally after every single person is gone some guys that work there came over to help me get our luggage and my screaming kids outside. Still no Matt. Once he shows up we load up and the car won't start. REALLY! He just drove it 5 minutes ago!! Did I mention that we are also locked out of our house and the kids are STILL screaming?? At this point I have a complete meltdown myself. I'm just going to stop here.